I hate addictions…

My poor friend L who is an alcoholic.  Things have just gone from bad to worse to terrible.  This morning her DH left as he can’t take it any more.  Tonight she was a wreck.  He wouldn’t take the kids, which I cannot understand.  The children are not safe with L (as much as I love her and don’t like saying that) and I can’t believe he’s left them there.  I know he is in a bad place too, and suffering, but the children and their safety have to come first.

 I brought the their kids home with us to have dinner and a bath with our kids and then took them back when it was close to bed time.  When I left L’s place earlier I asked her for her car keys because a few weeks ago she decided to drive during a storm after she’d had too much to drink and got her DH’s car stuck on the fence out the front.  That was another dreadful night

Anyway, she had been drinking tonight, but she promised me there was no more and I couldn’t find any.  When I took the kids back she was quite with it although I could still smell the alcohol. 

One thing about alcoholics is they can drink bucket loads of alcohol and still function seemingly normally.  Some people wouldn’t even know she’d been drinking.

Tomorrow I’m going with her to the GP to get a referral to a private clinic.  I’m hoping she tells the Dr the whole truth with out me having to tell her.  L needs to stop lying and face the truth.  Here is an example of things that have happened while L was intoxicated just this past month:

Smashed her DH’s car, passed out in the water while washing the dishes and nearly drowned, passed out and left the children unattended, passed out at a wedding and ended up on the floor in a position that every one could see what underwear she wasn’t wearing, borrowed money to buy alcohol, drank a bottle of rum then filled the bottle with tea, drank a bottle of wine and then filled it with water, drank beer even though she doesn’t like beer.

Truly the list goes on and on…

The first time I found her passed out I thought she was dead, I was so scared.  I’ve never seen anyone ever look the way she did.  I was about to phone an ambulance when I suddenly realised what was going on.

Anyway hopefully we will get somewhere tomorrow, although I phoned the private clinic she’s trying to get into tonight and they said there is a 2 to 3 week waiting list.  What on earth do we do in the mean time, the fellow tells me, “block her access to alcohol”…  Does he realise how resourceful she is??

Has it been a month already??

I didn’t realise that I hadn’t written in 1 month and I hadn’t realised it’s been 1 month since I signed up for XNDO.  Well I am 5 kilos down, not heaps, but I’m happy .  I haven’t been perfect, but I would say about 70% good.  I’d rather the weight loss be slow it that means it will stay off.

XNDO…

I’ve signed up for this today, 20 kilos to lose here we come

 XNDO

Welcome Sarah’s baby boy…

Well my friend Sarah had her baby boy 3 weeks ago this Friday.  He was born at 25 weeks and 1 day.  What a tiny precious, gorgeous teeny tiny baby he is…

He is doing well for his prematurity and behaving as they would expect him to for such a preemie baby.

Also my friend Karla with the identical twin boys is still in hospital, pregnant and now 25 weeks + 3 days and things have settled down considerably.   Everyday those little boys can stay inside their mummy is a day less they need to spend in special care…

Could we have saved Paige and Amy?

With what is going on with the friends Karla and Sarah right now it brings to the front of my thoughts all the what ifs with our girls.

As much as I love my OB, I still feel he should have tried somethings to save our babies.  Why didn’t he try?  Was it because of lack of experience with TTTS?, Did he think there was no chance?

Why did I stick my head in the sand and not research TTTS when I could have, so that I would have known what I know now.  Then I would have told them I wanted them to do an amnioreduction, attempt to do another rescue cerclage…  Why couldn’t they have arranged for me to be scanned on the Saturday instead of waiting till the Monday morning?  Couldn’t I have been sent to the hospital Karla is attending (we live in the same city) where there are TTTS specialists??

Maybe you can see now what I meant when I said I’ve had all this stuff going around in my head…

I know I’ll never know the answers to these questions and I guess if I’m to beleive that everything turns out how it is supposed to then it makes no difference, but I can’t help to want to turn the clock back somehow and just try…

Another one with blogging block…

Well maybe not blogging block, but do you know the feeling when you almost have too much on your mind and don’t know where to start??  Thats how I’ve been feeling this past two weeks.  I think of all the things I’d like to say but feel overwhelmed at the thought of putting it all down in writing.  Wouldn’t it be good if you could just think it then download it from your brain

Something that has been taking up a lot of space in my brain lately is my fear of something happening to one of our living children.  Sometimes is consumes me to the point of an all gripping fear.  Is this because we know the pain of the loss of a child?  My heart seems to be able to slip into that painful place too easily when I think of our girls or our boys.

We certainly don’t wrap our children in cotton wool, I don’t believe in over protecting them as I don’t feel it is good for their personal growth, but the thoughts that go around in my head, pound around in my brain till it feels like it could burst…

Something else that occured this past week is that I finally showed ME the photos of his sisters.  I’ve always wanted to show them to him one day and the time felt right the other day.  He was asking about them as he does sometimes and I asked him if he’d like to see pictures.

Of course I was worried about his reaction for nothing, he took it just as children usually do in his stride, asked a few questions then moved on to his next acitivity.   Come to think of it I must tell DH I showed him, don’t think I’ve done that yet…

Prayers for Karla and Sarah…

Two of my e friends are struggling right now with their pregnancies.  Karla is pregnant with identical twin boys who have been diagnosed with TTTS (the same potentially fatal condition our twin daughters had).

Sarah ironically has been diagnosed with an incompetent cervix and has just reached 24 weeks gestation yesterday.  She is in hospital on strict bedrest.

It amazes me that these ladies together are going through what we did, only for us it was both conditions for the same pregnancy.

My thoughts and prayers are with you both and I’m praying for you little ones to be born safe and healthy…

Tears for baby Dominic…

The saddest news today on one of the boards I visit.  One of the mums went for a check up at 37.5 weeks, to be told there was no longer a heart beat for her precious little boy.

Dominic’s Mums Website

Baby Angel (author unknown)
Submitted by Angel

Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,That something stopped my heart,
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,I’ve loved you from the start.
Although my body you can’t hold,It doesn’t mean I’m gone,
This world was worthy, not, of me,God chose that I move on.
I know the pain that drowns your soul,What you are forced to face,
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms, Someday we will embrace.
You’ll hear that it was “meant to be God doesn’t make mistakes”,
But that won’t soften your worst blow, Or make your hearts not ache.
I’m watching over all you do, Another child you’ll bear,
Believe me when I say to you, That I am always there.
There’ll come a time, I promise you, When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips,And then you’ll understand.
Although I’ve never breathed your air, Or gazed into your eyes,
That doesn’t mean I never “was”
An angel never dies…

Small change to my blog…

I’ve decided to change where I right about my boys.  My updates and chitta chatter about the good and challenging aspects about them will now be on a page at the top of the blog “My Boys”…

 I know I have people who read my blog that have suffered the loss of a baby or infertility and it can be really hard to read about someone elses children, no matter what they’ve been through or how happy you are for them.

So from now on if you would like to read about my little guys just click on the page as mentioned above…

My daily torture…

I know some people with think I’m crazy, but I can’t help myself at the moment.  I read a forum of mums with twins.  You know asking specific ‘twin’ questions etc.

Due to our girls being identical I am quite up on the different types of twinning etc, hence I find myself wanting to respond to the questions people ask.

Of course I don’t dare, some people there ‘know me and my story’ but others would probably think I was just a loopy for hanging out there.

Its so hard being a twin mummy, but not having your twins.  I read people talking about how with twins you are a ‘mini celebrity’ due to peoples fascination with twins.  I can remember when I was pg, I told anyone who gave me an in that I was pg with twins.  I carried the scan pics to show anyone who I thought wasn’t a total weirdo for showing them to anyone and everyone.  I pictured myself walking along with our gorgeous identical babies and people stopping to coo over them   I can still see it now, so clearly… *tear*

I wanted twins so badly, and I was blessed with them. 

I am a twin mummy, but my babies are only in my heart, not in my arms…