5 Years ago today…

Actually it was even a Monday like today.  I held both in my arms for the first and last time.  I felt your hearts beating and watched your chests rise and fall until they became still.  I counted all of your fingers and toes and studied every part of your beautiful bodies…

I can’t believe my arms have not held you both for five years.

I don’t feel either of you around me like I’ve read others say they do.  I don’t know why I don’t, shouldn’t I feel something.  

A psychic kind of person once told me this was because you would both be coming back to me in the forms of other children??  I don’t know if this it true, but I hope it is…

What do you both look like now?  Are you pretty little dark haired girls, your brothers are dark so I’m assuming you both would be too…

At around 2pm this afternoon I was trying to remember what exactly I was doing at that time 5 years ago.  I can’t remember.  You were born at 6 and 6.03pm on that Monday evening and we found out at around 9am that same morning that things weren’t looking good.  I can’t remember what we did for that whole day.   Its like that day is missing.  That must have been one of the longest days of our lives and I can’t recall how we passed the time.  I do remember we settled on names and prayed and hoped for a miracle, but really for 9 hours of that day things seemed to have been on hold.

I pray my sweet angels, that you know that we love you.  I hope you can feel the love and longing I have for you both.  Can you hear my thoughts when I see other 5 year old girls playing with your brother and wish that he had his own two sisters to play with?

I love you both as much today as I did 5 years ago, maybe more.  When I hold your little brother in my arms, I try to imagine sometimes that it is one of you and that for that moment in time all of this was a bad dream.

Sleep tight my precious girls, Mummy loves you very much xo

I love you Paige and Amy xo

A friend just sent my a lovely sweet message after reading our girls website.  There was nothing too deep or anything in it, but for some reason its just hit a spot in me tonight and now I’m a blubbering mess.

I think it was just seeing their name??  As the time goes by sometimes it almost seems like I dreamed them and maybe they never were here??  Then seeing someone write their names and refer to them just hit my heart for a six. 

I hate that this pain never goes away, yet I’m afraid that one day it might.

I hate that we lost our babies, but I thank the lord that they existed at all…

I hate that my son says he’d like a sister, when he already has two, he just can’t see them, play with them or hug them.

Right now I have that terrible ache that goes right up your throat and feels like it might choke me.  Its so weird how out of know where these feelings can come to the surface when you least expect them…

Come to me in my dreams tonight my sweet girls, let me hold you in my arms again xo

Could we have saved Paige and Amy?

With what is going on with the friends Karla and Sarah right now it brings to the front of my thoughts all the what ifs with our girls.

As much as I love my OB, I still feel he should have tried somethings to save our babies.  Why didn’t he try?  Was it because of lack of experience with TTTS?, Did he think there was no chance?

Why did I stick my head in the sand and not research TTTS when I could have, so that I would have known what I know now.  Then I would have told them I wanted them to do an amnioreduction, attempt to do another rescue cerclage…  Why couldn’t they have arranged for me to be scanned on the Saturday instead of waiting till the Monday morning?  Couldn’t I have been sent to the hospital Karla is attending (we live in the same city) where there are TTTS specialists??

Maybe you can see now what I meant when I said I’ve had all this stuff going around in my head…

I know I’ll never know the answers to these questions and I guess if I’m to beleive that everything turns out how it is supposed to then it makes no difference, but I can’t help to want to turn the clock back somehow and just try…

My daily torture…

I know some people with think I’m crazy, but I can’t help myself at the moment.  I read a forum of mums with twins.  You know asking specific ‘twin’ questions etc.

Due to our girls being identical I am quite up on the different types of twinning etc, hence I find myself wanting to respond to the questions people ask.

Of course I don’t dare, some people there ‘know me and my story’ but others would probably think I was just a loopy for hanging out there.

Its so hard being a twin mummy, but not having your twins.  I read people talking about how with twins you are a ‘mini celebrity’ due to peoples fascination with twins.  I can remember when I was pg, I told anyone who gave me an in that I was pg with twins.  I carried the scan pics to show anyone who I thought wasn’t a total weirdo for showing them to anyone and everyone.  I pictured myself walking along with our gorgeous identical babies and people stopping to coo over them   I can still see it now, so clearly… *tear*

I wanted twins so badly, and I was blessed with them. 

I am a twin mummy, but my babies are only in my heart, not in my arms…

What goes on in my head…

I always have ‘theories’ going around in my head.  I find it very hard to accept that things just are, I always feel like there has to be a reason for something.  And if there is a reason for everything then I damn well want to know what it is

 Ever since we lost our girls I’ve tried to figure out ‘why?’  I know that I may never know the answer in this life time, but I still mull it over and over in my head.

My latest theory is that maybe I wouldn’t have been able to cope with twins…  Maybe I would have been unable to deal with the demands of two babies as once.  Maybe this in turn would have affected my marriage and my DS – ME.   Some days the demands of one baby at a time is almost more than enough and maybe I wouldn’t have been a good enough mother to two babies together…

 I know I’m raving on, but this is what goes on in my head. 

Is it possible that I fell pg with twins cause I had dreamt and hoped for it since I was a little girl?  And then maybe I wasn’t meant to have twins so the powers that be had to ‘fix’ things??

On a more positive note, maybe DS2 – JP is really meant to be here for some reason.  If our girls had survived I don’t think we would have had any more children.  Another weird senario

I guess this looks like a very weird post, but I had to put it down.  Its been going around and around my head lately, and now maybe I can put it to rest…

Your Pictures…

For the first time in a very long time my sweet girls, I took out your pictures.  I couldn’t bring myself to look at them while I was pregnant with your new brother and only today have I felt strong enough to look at them again.

What sweet little angels you were.   The day of your birth is etched so deeply in my mind.  Even though you are identical you had some slightly different features.  Paige every time I look at your picture I see your Great Grandfather, my wonderful Grandfather.  Your lips are so like his, its uncanny.  I hope he is up in heaven looking after you both… You both have that definate rig under your nose, that runs down to your top lip, like both your brothers have.  Amy your forhead is shorter like JP’s and Paige’s is longer like ME’s.

Looking again at your tiny fingers, toes and little button noses brings both joy and pain to my heart.  Even your little girl parts.  I’m so used to boy bits now, that just seems to stand out to me.  I can’t believe I actually had/have two little girls, two little people with out those dangling boy bits …

I also read through the order of service that we had for your funeral.  I spent so many hours lovingly if not obsessively creating something to express not just my love  for you both, but my pain.  My emptiness, my sorrow.  I wanted everyone to feel my pain just for a little while, how could they possibly understand or begin to without being in my body for just a minute.  My body that felt like it was caving in, being sucked into a dark hole that had not light and no way out. 

Of course with hindsight I know that there is a way out and a light, but its a long hard struggle to re discover life and its joys…

We went to the cemetary today.  Oh how that hurts my heart.  Its the second time we’ve been there since JP was born and I don’t know why for sure but the pain of holding him while I look at your resting place is almost more than I can bare.

There is something about holding his warm cozy little body next to mine while I’m thinking of you both that tears my heart in two.  Is it that while I’m holding him and closing my eyes I can almost pretend I’m holding each of you?  Is it that if you had both lived I probably wouldn’t have this sweet little boy in my life?

I walked around as I always do to see the recent additions to the baby resting place.  The emotion that flows through me while I hold my baby and think of all of these families who are not holding their sweet babies right now, and instead are aching with their empty arms, just fills me with sadness.  I don’t know why life turns out this way for some, but it certainly stinks…

~Paige and Amy~ we left you some flowers sweet girls, and tended to your resting place.  I put JP down so that he could put his hands on your plaque, which he did without prompting.  One day I guess he may ask why his name is not on the plaque while ME’s is…  I know he will understand when he is older, but it might be difficult to understand while he is young.   And for the first time, ME was able to recognise his name on your plaque, he was quite chuffed

Rest your heads my sweet angels, Mummy loves you xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

4 Years Today…

Our sweet ~Paige and Amy~… I cannot believe that its been 4 whole years since I held you both in my arms.  It feels like yesterday that I held your little bodies trying to drink in every detail.  I needed to commit every little part of you both to my memory, enough to last a life time.

I remember feeling the need to hold you both against my body, to keep you warm and safe.  I wanted to stay that way forever, keep that moment alive for an eternity.  I look back now and wish I could relive those moments again now.  In hindsight.

I would hold you both seperately.  Put each of you to my bare chest and feel your skin on mine.  I have loved the feeling of skin to skin contact with your brothers and I so wished I had experienced that with each of you.

The lump of emotion in my throat never goes away, the tears never stop flowing, the ache in my heart never stops hurting.  They only ease for a while until they rise up to the surface again.

I explained to your older brother this morning that his sisters would be four now.  He couldn’t really comprehend what that meant.  I just needed to tell him. 

We will go to the cemetery tomorrow, today has been a bit hectic and I’d rather take my time.

So my sweet daughters, I hope you had a lovely day together in heaven on your 4th anniversary there.  I still wish, like I always will that you were here with us and your brothers, but I know that just wasn’t to be.

I love you with all my heart and soul, till we meet again precious girls xo …

Angels Brought Me Here…

I was in the car with ME listening to the Guy Sebastion song – ‘Angels Brought Me Here’ which always makes be a bit melancholy.  Mainly because I feel it expresses so well my words for JP.

It’s been a long and winding journey, but i’m finally here tonight
Picking up the pieces, walking back into the light
Into the sunset of your glory, where my heart and future lies
There’s nothing like that feeling, when i look into your eyes…

My dreams came true, when i found you
I found you, my miracle…

If you could see, what i see, that you’re the answer to my prayers
And if you could feel, the tenderness i feel
You would know, it would be clear, that angels brought me here…
 

I could not say this better myself.  I like to think that our angels ~Paige and Amy~ sent JP to us especially.  And the rest of the words explain themselves.

While I was lost in this song and feeling sad for our angels like I have been so much lately my little ME piped up in the back and said out of the blue “Can we go and visit ~Paige and Amy~”…  I nearly fell off my seat.  The tears just sprang into my eyes and I had to compose myself to answer, that of course we can, maybe tomorrow.

I swear some times that little man seems to read my mind.

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I can’t figure out how I can be so happy and in love with JP, yet feel so lost and aching for P and A.  How can that be?  I think that I’m starting to really understand that no matter how many babies you have you can never replace those you lose.  Like losing anyone you love I suppose, nobody else can ever fill the place of those that we love that are no longer here.

I know I will move out of ‘this place’ I’m in soon.  I always do, although never completely.  Nobody even knows I’m here, afterall I’m not there on the outside, only on the inside…

Grief and Infertility…

I have been suprised that the grief for our girls and the pain of infertility doesn’t go away when you have a subsequent child.

 Our girls are constantly on my mind at the moment and its really starting to get me down ‘again’…  Its not that I don’t want to think of them, but I don’t want to feel I don’t know ’sad’, ‘longing’ and emptiness that can’t be filled not matter how many babies we have.

I feel so guilty that I can’t JUST be happy with what I have.  I know so many people who would love to be in my shoes with two gorgeous boys.  I am eternally thankful and grateful for what I have, but that doesn’t take away what we lost.  What I lost!!  And yes I know thats sounds mighty selfish of me, but its different for my husband and I.  He is content with what we have.  I think he feels like its all over now, we have our family and thats it.  Jp came out safe, I survived the pregnancy and birth now we get on with the rest of our lives.

But not for me.  I lost my daughters, my twins, my dreams.  Yes I do have new dreams for our family and our sons.  Still though deep in side of me, well not so deep at the moment, it seems to be all quite close to the surface I have this ache, a lump forever in my throat for what we so nearly had.   

For my girls…

Just another quick post today to let my girls know I’m thinking of them.  Who knows why they are on my mind more than normal right now, but I seem to be thinking of them constantly again. 

I tortured myself again the other day, I like to do this every now and then for some reason.  I went into the little girls section in Target and looked at the little girls clothes in size 4 which is what our girls would probably be wearing now if they were here with us.  I found two little skivies which were the same style but different colours.  Just like I said I would dress them if I put them in the same clothes, but with different colours.

I stood there inflicting a little more pain by just imagining that I was really going to buy them and take them home to two little smiling girls.

Weird huh?  Must sound totally psychotic to someone who hasn’t lost children…