Tears for baby Dominic…

The saddest news today on one of the boards I visit.  One of the mums went for a check up at 37.5 weeks, to be told there was no longer a heart beat for her precious little boy.

Dominic’s Mums Website

Baby Angel (author unknown)
Submitted by Angel

Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,That something stopped my heart,
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,I’ve loved you from the start.
Although my body you can’t hold,It doesn’t mean I’m gone,
This world was worthy, not, of me,God chose that I move on.
I know the pain that drowns your soul,What you are forced to face,
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms, Someday we will embrace.
You’ll hear that it was “meant to be God doesn’t make mistakes”,
But that won’t soften your worst blow, Or make your hearts not ache.
I’m watching over all you do, Another child you’ll bear,
Believe me when I say to you, That I am always there.
There’ll come a time, I promise you, When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips,And then you’ll understand.
Although I’ve never breathed your air, Or gazed into your eyes,
That doesn’t mean I never “was”
An angel never dies…

Small change to my blog…

I’ve decided to change where I right about my boys.  My updates and chitta chatter about the good and challenging aspects about them will now be on a page at the top of the blog “My Boys”…

 I know I have people who read my blog that have suffered the loss of a baby or infertility and it can be really hard to read about someone elses children, no matter what they’ve been through or how happy you are for them.

So from now on if you would like to read about my little guys just click on the page as mentioned above…

My daily torture…

I know some people with think I’m crazy, but I can’t help myself at the moment.  I read a forum of mums with twins.  You know asking specific ‘twin’ questions etc.

Due to our girls being identical I am quite up on the different types of twinning etc, hence I find myself wanting to respond to the questions people ask.

Of course I don’t dare, some people there ‘know me and my story’ but others would probably think I was just a loopy for hanging out there.

Its so hard being a twin mummy, but not having your twins.  I read people talking about how with twins you are a ‘mini celebrity’ due to peoples fascination with twins.  I can remember when I was pg, I told anyone who gave me an in that I was pg with twins.  I carried the scan pics to show anyone who I thought wasn’t a total weirdo for showing them to anyone and everyone.  I pictured myself walking along with our gorgeous identical babies and people stopping to coo over them   I can still see it now, so clearly… *tear*

I wanted twins so badly, and I was blessed with them. 

I am a twin mummy, but my babies are only in my heart, not in my arms…

What goes on in my head…

I always have ‘theories’ going around in my head.  I find it very hard to accept that things just are, I always feel like there has to be a reason for something.  And if there is a reason for everything then I damn well want to know what it is

 Ever since we lost our girls I’ve tried to figure out ‘why?’  I know that I may never know the answer in this life time, but I still mull it over and over in my head.

My latest theory is that maybe I wouldn’t have been able to cope with twins…  Maybe I would have been unable to deal with the demands of two babies as once.  Maybe this in turn would have affected my marriage and my DS – ME.   Some days the demands of one baby at a time is almost more than enough and maybe I wouldn’t have been a good enough mother to two babies together…

 I know I’m raving on, but this is what goes on in my head. 

Is it possible that I fell pg with twins cause I had dreamt and hoped for it since I was a little girl?  And then maybe I wasn’t meant to have twins so the powers that be had to ‘fix’ things??

On a more positive note, maybe DS2 – JP is really meant to be here for some reason.  If our girls had survived I don’t think we would have had any more children.  Another weird senario

I guess this looks like a very weird post, but I had to put it down.  Its been going around and around my head lately, and now maybe I can put it to rest…