For the first time in a very long time my sweet girls, I took out your pictures. I couldn’t bring myself to look at them while I was pregnant with your new brother and only today have I felt strong enough to look at them again.
What sweet little angels you were. The day of your birth is etched so deeply in my mind. Even though you are identical you had some slightly different features. Paige every time I look at your picture I see your Great Grandfather, my wonderful Grandfather. Your lips are so like his, its uncanny. I hope he is up in heaven looking after you both… You both have that definate rig under your nose, that runs down to your top lip, like both your brothers have. Amy your forhead is shorter like JP’s and Paige’s is longer like ME’s.
Looking again at your tiny fingers, toes and little button noses brings both joy and pain to my heart. Even your little girl parts. I’m so used to boy bits now, that just seems to stand out to me. I can’t believe I actually had/have two little girls, two little people with out those dangling boy bits 
…
I also read through the order of service that we had for your funeral. I spent so many hours lovingly if not obsessively creating something to express not just my love for you both, but my pain. My emptiness, my sorrow. I wanted everyone to feel my pain just for a little while, how could they possibly understand or begin to without being in my body for just a minute. My body that felt like it was caving in, being sucked into a dark hole that had not light and no way out.
Of course with hindsight I know that there is a way out and a light, but its a long hard struggle to re discover life and its joys…
We went to the cemetary today. Oh how that hurts my heart. Its the second time we’ve been there since JP was born and I don’t know why for sure but the pain of holding him while I look at your resting place is almost more than I can bare.
There is something about holding his warm cozy little body next to mine while I’m thinking of you both that tears my heart in two. Is it that while I’m holding him and closing my eyes I can almost pretend I’m holding each of you? Is it that if you had both lived I probably wouldn’t have this sweet little boy in my life?
I walked around as I always do to see the recent additions to the baby resting place. The emotion that flows through me while I hold my baby and think of all of these families who are not holding their sweet babies right now, and instead are aching with their empty arms, just fills me with sadness. I don’t know why life turns out this way for some, but it certainly stinks…
~Paige and Amy~ we left you some flowers sweet girls, and tended to your resting place. I put JP down so that he could put his hands on your plaque, which he did without prompting. One day I guess he may ask why his name is not on the plaque while ME’s is… I know he will understand when he is older, but it might be difficult to understand while he is young. And for the first time, ME was able to recognise his name on your plaque, he was quite chuffed
Rest your heads my sweet angels, Mummy loves you xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
