Angels Brought Me Here…

I was in the car with ME listening to the Guy Sebastion song – ‘Angels Brought Me Here’ which always makes be a bit melancholy.  Mainly because I feel it expresses so well my words for JP.

It’s been a long and winding journey, but i’m finally here tonight
Picking up the pieces, walking back into the light
Into the sunset of your glory, where my heart and future lies
There’s nothing like that feeling, when i look into your eyes…

My dreams came true, when i found you
I found you, my miracle…

If you could see, what i see, that you’re the answer to my prayers
And if you could feel, the tenderness i feel
You would know, it would be clear, that angels brought me here…
 

I could not say this better myself.  I like to think that our angels ~Paige and Amy~ sent JP to us especially.  And the rest of the words explain themselves.

While I was lost in this song and feeling sad for our angels like I have been so much lately my little ME piped up in the back and said out of the blue “Can we go and visit ~Paige and Amy~”…  I nearly fell off my seat.  The tears just sprang into my eyes and I had to compose myself to answer, that of course we can, maybe tomorrow.

I swear some times that little man seems to read my mind.

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I can’t figure out how I can be so happy and in love with JP, yet feel so lost and aching for P and A.  How can that be?  I think that I’m starting to really understand that no matter how many babies you have you can never replace those you lose.  Like losing anyone you love I suppose, nobody else can ever fill the place of those that we love that are no longer here.

I know I will move out of ‘this place’ I’m in soon.  I always do, although never completely.  Nobody even knows I’m here, afterall I’m not there on the outside, only on the inside…

Grief and Infertility…

I have been suprised that the grief for our girls and the pain of infertility doesn’t go away when you have a subsequent child.

 Our girls are constantly on my mind at the moment and its really starting to get me down ‘again’…  Its not that I don’t want to think of them, but I don’t want to feel I don’t know ’sad’, ‘longing’ and emptiness that can’t be filled not matter how many babies we have.

I feel so guilty that I can’t JUST be happy with what I have.  I know so many people who would love to be in my shoes with two gorgeous boys.  I am eternally thankful and grateful for what I have, but that doesn’t take away what we lost.  What I lost!!  And yes I know thats sounds mighty selfish of me, but its different for my husband and I.  He is content with what we have.  I think he feels like its all over now, we have our family and thats it.  Jp came out safe, I survived the pregnancy and birth now we get on with the rest of our lives.

But not for me.  I lost my daughters, my twins, my dreams.  Yes I do have new dreams for our family and our sons.  Still though deep in side of me, well not so deep at the moment, it seems to be all quite close to the surface I have this ache, a lump forever in my throat for what we so nearly had.   

For my girls…

Just another quick post today to let my girls know I’m thinking of them.  Who knows why they are on my mind more than normal right now, but I seem to be thinking of them constantly again. 

I tortured myself again the other day, I like to do this every now and then for some reason.  I went into the little girls section in Target and looked at the little girls clothes in size 4 which is what our girls would probably be wearing now if they were here with us.  I found two little skivies which were the same style but different colours.  Just like I said I would dress them if I put them in the same clothes, but with different colours.

I stood there inflicting a little more pain by just imagining that I was really going to buy them and take them home to two little smiling girls.

Weird huh?  Must sound totally psychotic to someone who hasn’t lost children…

 

A bit down…

I’ve been a bit slack, not writing.  Still battling with JP’s catnapping, although its not every day now.  Some days he actually has really good sleeps

When I put ME to bed tonight we said our prayers and then  he told me how much he loved me.  My heart could have popped out of my chest.  He then asked me where my Daddy is??  I explained that my Daddy died when I was a little girl, only two years older than ME is now.  I so hope that my children never have to grow up without one their parents.  As a child who did, I so don’t want that for my family.  It breaks my heart to even think about it, so I won’t…

JP is either getting a cold or teething at the moment.  Or actually maybe both.  He’s been whingy all day.  Had a runny nose and seems to be in discomfort with his mouth.  He has been shoving his fists down there all day…

Still no routine…

But we are kind of in a routine of not being in a routine if that makes any sense.

I try not to worry to much about any of that anymore, and just stick to the feed, play, sleep cycle.  Although sometimes its more like play, feed, play, sleep

Today was rough.  JP has been very unsettled and although he seemed to want to go down for sleeps didn’t last more than half an hour.  When I went in he’d be sucking madly on his fists, trying to resettle only to startle and shove his fingers back in his mouth. 

Is it teething?  Not sure, a hunch says yes, however panadol and bonjella didn’t seem to make any difference.  His feeding has been hopeless as well today, just taking little bits here and there and being really restless while sucking.

The past two days he has been great.  Had good sleeps and been really easy, so I guess I can’t complain (although I’d like to).  Gotta take the good with the bad

 To change the topic completely I find myself thinking about our girls heaps at the moment.  Some other girls I’ve cyber met via IVF have had twins and it kind of all reverberates through my head.  Twins this, twins that.  Don’t get me at all wrong, I love to hear their updates etc, it just hurts a little.  Truly I don’t think that pain will ever really go away, not completely.  Today I was thinking about how the girls would be coming up to their 4th birthdays.  Wow I shake my head in amazement, to wonder what that would have been like.  My heart fills with joy just imagining how life may have been and at the same time a flood of sadness and pain washes over behind the joy like a wave crashing onto the beach. 

What more can I say?  There is nothing I can do other than dream and wonder at what might have been.